Oh Yeah!

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Jennifer Aniston

Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

Sorry T1G. I'm already taken.

Chowhound turns 17

My baby is growing up. So many changes. The biggest change this year was in the choice of his birthday dinner. I have always let my children choose their birthday dinner.

When Chowhound was little it was Chucky Cheese. We would climb through the tunnels, play in the balls, and dance to the silly characters. I was so grateful when he grew past that stage.

For a few years it was homemade spaghetti. He changed it to meatloaf when he found out his brothers hated meatloaf. Once a year he would have the upper hand on his older brothers.

Then, a few years ago we started going to Shoguns, a Japanese restaurant. We would sit at the hibachi tables, banging our fists on the tables, catching shrimp in our mouths, and listening to the same silly jokes year after year.

Now this year he announced he wanted to go to Hooters. Yeah, my baby is growing up. No longer entertained by a giant rat or Japanese cooks. No, he wants the hooter girls. So, we went. All three boys wanted to go. Imagine that.

Our waitress was the poster girl for Blondes Unlimited. Naturally, a petite, endowed blonde little chickie. Right away it was obvious she was not hired for her brains. A friend of mine lent me her camcorder for my trip next week. I brought the manual into the restaurant to review while I was waiting on the other boys.

The waitress looks at the manual and says, "Oh, I have one of those. I got it about two years ago and have never used it. I couldn't figure out how to work it."

Really trying hard not to come across sarcastically, I replied, "That is what the manual is for."

"Oh, mine had several big, thick books with it. They were all in foreign languages, Spanish, French, Latin, English. I just couldn't figure it out."

Chowhound and I cut our eyes toward each other at the same time. Did she really say that? We were both dying to bust out laughing but she stopped at the gift counter a few feet away. So, we held it in. The longest five minutes of the night.

Later, she walked up beside Daredevil as he was talking on his cell phone. Suddenly, she bends around sticking her chest and face right in his, stands back up and then laughs, "Oh, I thought he was talking to himself."

OMG. Was she for real? The boys were loving it. Chowhound kept snickering about her jiggling everywhere. She would walk away from the table and all three boys would about fall out of their chairs just to get a glimpse. Is a mother supposed to witness this?

She had the last laugh though. She had promised Chowhound that "they would take care of him". I don't even want to know what kind of perverted thoughts went through his seventeen year old testosterone riddled brain. She went over to the bimbo station and started clapping the others towards her. Yes, that's correct. She started clapping and one would join her and start clapping and slowing they all migrated towards the blond leader and stood in the corner clapping. Then, like a parade of chicks they headed towards the table. Four blonds and one brunette. She must have been the ugly duckling. They gathered near Chowhound and the leader asked him to stand up. She pulled his chair away from the table and then instructed him to stand up on it. She proceeded to hand him two menus, one for each hand and then told him to cluck like a chicken while they sang. His eyes got like saucers.

"What?"

"Flap your arms and cluck like a chicken."

It was effing hilarious. I had tears in my eyes.

Happy Birthday Chowhound.

Discrimation Suit

Improviser bought Chowhound a basketball for his birthday. Not just any basketball but a Spalding Neverflat. It is guaranteed to stay inflated for 1 year.

But, I can't play with it. It says so on the packaging.

"Recommended for males 12+"

MALES!? What is up with that?!!! It's not recommended for females? Do they think we can't handle this new technologically advanced basketball? OH! It's got NitroFlate in it. I guess that's too dangerous for us fragile females. It's a frickin ball.

I'm hurt and humiliated.

Spalding owes me compensation.

I'm suing them for sexual discrimination. Why should basketballs be gender relative? Don't they think there are rough and tumble females out there? They haven't ever seen me play basketball. I'm brutal to the ball. It has to withstand crashing into trees, cars, the house and occasionally the backboard.

I am so traumatized. I know my pain and suffering are worth something. Know any good lawyers?

Abandoned and Abused

Chowhound had a choice to make yesterday.

Go to the beach (that doesn't allow dogs until after 5 pm) with Daredevil and his girlfriend and her sister and cousin or hang out at a wonderful beach/lake park with Mom and the dog.

I lost.

I even tried to get them to come to the beach I wanted to go to. But, her Dad wouldn't allow that.

So, I took Remi on his first beach encounter all by myself. Needless to say, I didn't even attempt to bring the camera, handling a 110 lb dog is difficult enough. Remi had his best day ever! He wasn't to sure about the waves and water at first but after he tried to bite a few of them they became friends. He romped and played and made friends, both human and canine, with everyone. He was one wore out puppy dog by the end of the day.

Then, later, the boys further alienated me and the dog. Mostly Remi, but I felt sorry for him. They took delight in the fact that the dog hates loud noises. We had free range balloons rooming around the house left free from Chowhound's party. The brats started popping them and scaring the dog. Remi tried to use me for cover. But, a 110 lb dog doesn't wedge behind a person lying on a couch very easily. He ended up more like sitting on top of my head. Poor baby. Then, he disappeared. We searched the house. Finally, we found him hiding in Chowhound's closet. He refused to come out. I felt so bad for Remi. The brats found it hilarious. They are warped. Teenage testosterone does that.

Spring Smells

Spring brings the nose to life. It has so many smells. Today's birthday party/cookout for Chowhound was a prime example.

• The hamburgers and chicken wings cooking on the charcoal grill.
• The azaleas and roses in bloom
• Fresh cut grass (remember I live in Florida--we cut grass year round)
• The manure from the neighbors garden

Yes, folks. That's right. The day I plan a big outdoor event my neighbor decides is a great day to spread a truck load of manure. Fortunately for me, I decided to have Chowhound's party in the garage and front yard instead of in the screened-in porch across from their garden. Unfortunately, for the lady that lives behind me, she had her cookout in her backyard. She had blue and pink bells hanging everywhere so I think it was a bridal/baby shower. Yeah, and the wind was not blowing in a favorable direction. We got occasional whiffs of horse and cow stuff. I really didn't mind though. I have had differences with the neighbor behind me and it tickled me to know the snooty woman had to endure this too. I thought it was funny. I know that is a terrible way to be but I don't care.

Not everyone we expected showed up but a good time was still had by all. I was their biggest entertainment. I am a one hit wonder at ping pong. I hit more air molecules than anyone. I can miss the ball three or four times on the same try.

Chowhound had me in stitches last night during our practice run. He kept making fun of me. I have no hand-eye coordination or depth perception. It makes for a hilarious combination. One of the times, Chowhound sent a good solid hit my way. I slapped some air, jumped out of the way, and inadvertently blurted out, "Oh, shit!" He rolled. I will never live that one down. Never. He told all his friends too. And now evertime he walks past me he says, "oh shit". Effing teenagers. My only consolation is knowing that one day he will have teenagers too.

I'm alive

I realize that I haven't posted but twice this month. I've been busy but not that busy. It's just that I read a post that deeply affected me and I have been trying to find the right words in response. Nothing like immediate feedback. I know a long pause after a post loses the effect but I just haven't found the right words yet. I will. It is something I need to do. I just reacted and retreated into myself in response.

But, it won't be today. I have a cookout to pull together. Chowhound is having a bunch of people over tomorrow for his birthday party. He will be 17 on the 28th. My goodness my baby is growing up way too fast.

So, I'm off to Curves, the tanning place and then the store. I have less than two weeks to undo a years worth of laziness. I know it ain't gonna happen but at least I'm putting forth an effort. I have to get a starter tan so I don't cook like a lobster when I'm trolling around the Bahamas in 10 days. Yeah, I get to see my Sweetie. Chowhound, Daredevil and I are spending 6 days down there if I get their passports in time. Add another stresser. They are supposed to be here Monday. And of course, I need to buy the store out in order to feed 10+ teenage boys tomorrow. Oh, it's going to be so much fun.

Have a great weekend and I'll post my other thoughts if I survive tomorrow.

This makes sense

VWBug is my blog mother. She has sons, Tater and Tot. So, it is fitting that my Leprechaun name is:

Your Leprechaun Name Is:

Weebit O'Taters

What's Your Leprechaun Name?

It's Official...

I'm old. Somebody I thought was a really good friend told me a few days ago that I looked "mature". I am not mature. Mature women are members of AARP and get senior citizen discounts at Dennys. I have a long ways to go before I can qualify for discounts.

You think you know someone so well just to be dissed like that. Paybacks. Just remember paybacks. I have pictures of us looking not so mature. Just keep that thought stirring in the back of your mind.

South Florida Bound

I'm heading out to see my honey. I'm stopping along the way to spend a few minutes with my blog momma, VWBug and her cool dudes, Tater and Tot.

Ya'll have a wonderful weekend because I certainly intend to.

Warning: Body Parts Theft

It's something only the girls will understand!!!!!!!!!!!


Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys
were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney
story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was
just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone
else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who
would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?
Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire
summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to
living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.
My ass was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains
to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't
believe that my new ass was attached at least three inches lower than my
original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I
prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One
morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the
flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.
This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at
a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up,
unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly
and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next?

My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving
turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take
on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell
the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.
You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again.
Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope
that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts.
I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was
relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Florescent Light is not sexy

I have come to the conclusion that the interior designers at Victoria's Secret should be shot. The lighting in the dressing rooms suck. It makes your skin tone look horrible. If they want to increase their sales they should put bar lighting in the dressing rooms. They could serve drinks too. Soft dim lights and alcohol make you look so much sexier. I would definitely have bought some of the outfits I tried on the other day if that had been the case. But, with the florescent nightmare of cottage cheese thighs staring at me, I ditched the clothes. I hate trying on and buying clothes especially bathing suites and lingerie for exactly that reason. It was so depressing. I didn't feel sexy at all. In fact, I left there and went straight to Sports Authority and bought a new pair of roller blades. Now, for the warmer weather to show up.

Going to State

Congratulations Chowhound! He made a superior on his Marimba solo at FBA District Solo and Ensemble on Saturday. Next month he goes to State. This is the second year in a row that he as gone to State. He sets his goals high. He performed Jungle Walk, a Grade 6 piece, this year. Next year he plans on perfecting a Grade 7 which the the hardest level.

This means that I will have a Marimba in my living room for at least another month. I laugh every time I think of it. The line from Close Encounters keeps running through my head, "I've got one of those in my living room." I'll have to rent the movie and let Chowhound listen to the alien "music". He'll be playing it. I already have the Final Jeopardy theme stuck in my head since he taught himself to play it.

...on the bumper of my...

SUV, uh, I mean, Saturn. It doesn't quite have the same impact as SUV but I'm proud just the same. I bet if I had that sticker on my SUV it wouldn't have been stolen. Daredevil gave me my sticker last night. I love it and proudly display it on my car.


I asked Daredevil what made him choose the Marines over the other branches of service. He thought for a moment then replied, "Probably because it is the most challenging." That's a fitting answer for Daredevil.

I come from a family of all girls. There are four of us. My mother longed for a boy but she had to wait for grandchildren for that dream to come true. The first grandchild was a girl. Her dream would have to wait another 7 years. Then she was blessed with seven grandsons within 5 years. All the boys are quickly becoming men. My oldest sister has three boys also. Her eldest was the first one to want to become a Marine. He was in ROTC all through high school. The recruiters reassured him that the heart surgery he had when he was 15 months old would not prevent him from being a Marine. He was crushed when he was rejected. Now, both of his younger brothers are Marines. One has completed bootcamp and is training to be a mortar man. The other leaves for bootcamp around the same time as Daredevil. We have three Marines in our family now.

My sister and I are proud but scared. This is such an uneasy time to have your son join the military. Especially, the Marines. I read daily about the casualties of our Marines and I know that there is a mother somewhere crying daily because her son came home in a box. And while that scares me to no end, I think what scares me worse are the mental wounds of war. They are so much harder to heal. As I said in my previous post, I want to protect him and I can't. So, much of what is going on in this world goes against my morals and values. I don't believe in killing and war but I understand that sometimes there are necessary evils. You have to stand up for what you believe in and defend it to the end. We didn't start this war. We just want to protect everyone we can and in whatever way we have to.

I look at these boys becoming men and I wonder when. When did this happen? Just yesterday, they were all running around hunting Easter eggs. They were swinging on the vines in the woods. They were fighting over toys and hitting each other with them. They were playing baseball. They were wrestling in my living room. (Oh, yeah. That was yesterday.) When did they grow up? Where was I? How come I didn't notice? I'm with them everyday yet some days it feels like I haven't seem them for years. Like I have been an absent parent. Soon they will have all sprouted wings and flown away. And while I don't want to clip their wings, I wonder if they are ready. Have I prepared them for life? Have I prepared them for the world?

(I'll finish this post later, my computer or blogger or something is acting up and I need to quit before I throw this computer through the wall.)

No longer Boy, Now a Marine

Daredevil enlisted in the Marines today.

I have so many mixed emotions about this. I am proud of him. He has turned into a fine young man. He made this decision on his own. He didn't discuss it with me prior to doing it. He is a man. He made a life altering, responsible choice.

But, I look into his shining, mischievious eyes and see my sweet but daring little boy. It seems as though it was just yesterday that he pulled up all of my freshly planted flowers and tossed them into the yard because I made him take a nap instead letting him help.

I am his mother. I have spent over 19 years protecting him. That is my job. From the time of conception when he was wrapped in the protective nest of my womb, I have pledged to take care, love and protect him. I spent sleepless nights holding him when he was sick. I have spent countless hours in emergency rooms making sure he gets the attention he needs. Somewhere through the years my protective powers have changed. I can no longer protect him. I can't protect his heart from breaking. I can't protect his ego. I can't protect him any more. He has become a man. He has pledged to protect me now. He has pledged to protect you, freedom, responsibility. I have done my job. Now, is time to sit back in awe and amazement at the wonderfulness he has become.

Ramblings

Chowhound had a pre-festival tonight for concert band. I love listening trying to pick out particular instruments. It puts me in my own little world. Particulary, since I am so tone deaf it's not funny. I have no musical inclination at all. None. Nada. But, I enjoyed it just the same.

Chowhound was chatty tonight which always makes for an interesting conversation. I never know what to expect. Throw Daredevil into the conversation and I had tears in my eyes. Unfortunately, my chronic CRS is acting up tonight and like the punchline to a great joke, I have forgotten what we were laughing so hard about. I know it was really funny. I can still see Chowhound doing the gestures. This is so frustrating.

Anyway, maybe it will come back to me. I do remember one of the stories. It was a definite lesson in keeping your mouth shut until you know what someone is talking about. The band director was absent one day last week. So, Monday he asked a group of band kids what they knew about this one particular kid, Z. The director wanted to know what happened. So, one girl starts going into the details of Z climbing into the band room ceiling and falling through into the percussion room. The directors eyes widened and he slowly starts walking towards the percussion room. Opps. This wasn't the incident he was inquiring about. Up until that point only the kids were aware of what happened. The substitute was busy playing on his laptop or something. The band kids were watching a "drum corps" DVD which turned out to be SAW3. Yeah, great things happen in band.

Up! Up! Up!

There goes my insurance premium just like a helium balloon. Two days after I received my insurance renewal, Daredevil's car is broken into. The window is busted and the radio stolen. Cha-Ching went the insurance premium. Four days later, he gets pulled over for speeding. Cha-Ching, Cha-Ching. My only saving grace is that I did not file a claim on the break-in since it only exceeded my deductible by about $100.00 and he was given a warning for speeding. However, the insurance card and registration were not in the glove box where I put them. Little gremlins seem to have stolen them too. So, after I provide proof it will only cost $15.00 to have the two tickets dismissed. Damn life is expensive.

Chowhound Question of the Week

Why does milk taste better when you dip oreos in it?






*blink* He has to ask?

Heros

Sometimes I am reminded that I live under a rock. I saw this video for the first time yesterday. Until then, I had never heard of Team Hoyt. My eyes welled up with tears as I read their incredible story and watched several more videos. Wow. They are truly amazing and inspiring. The inner strength and the love that motivate that father is beyond description. It makes me feel inadequate as a parent.


This is from the Today Show:

Recent Events

This is what has been happening in my life recently:

*Replaced the heater core in Daredevil's car.
*The check engine light came on in my car while on I-10 in the middle of nowhere.
*Chowhound brought home a Marimba from school. Most band kids have small portable, put in your pocket instruments. No, not my son. It took two cars to get it home because I have not been blessed with a truck.
*I made a quick trip to Pensacola to finally say goodbye to my best friend on the one year anniversary of her passing.
*The cops were at my door to report a suspicious looking character lurking around my house. Actually, it was just Daredevil checking to make sure I had turned the outside water spigots off after the freeze threat left. Nice to know they are watching my house. But, it would have been better if they had been watching the school yesterday....
*Someone broke in Daredevil's car and stole the stereo he just got for Christmas. Now, I have to replaced a window and a stereo. And wouldn't you know it, it was the day after I received my insurance renewal. I bet they change their quote now.
*My nephew, Gene the Marine, stopped by on his way to go see his brand new daughter. I was able to see her last weekend. She is a cutie.

There is a lot more but I'm out of time and brain cells.

Kudzu killer needed

Sometimes life just takes over like a kudzu vine and strangles the creativity and energy right out of me.