Don't take advice on women from Mom

My boys are in so much trouble when it comes to relationships. That is, if they need advice.

I am not a foo-foo prim and proper typical female. To quote Bou, "I so suck at being female" (I can't find where she said it but I know it came from her). I am a very practical minded person. I can go off on tangents from time to time but typically I don't act "female". I am not a fashion conscious person. I don't give a rat's ass about designer anything. I can't even name the designers. I look at practicality and price when I buy something. I don't normally get something because I like how it looks.

Anyway, Chowhound is IMing back and forth with his girlfriend. (I really love this girlfriend's parents because she is always on restriction for something or other. This makes my life so much easier and free of teen relationship worries.) The computer is set up on a desk in the kitchen. I was cooking dinner and he was chatting.

"Oh, no!" I look over my shoulder and he is shaking his head. "I don't know what to say to that."

"What?" I say because inquiring minds want to know and mother's especially.

"She is mad. Somebody got chocolate milk on her purse. I need advice. What do I say?"

"Tell her don't cry over spilled milk?" Apparently, I haven't used that expression much in the last 17 years because this blank look came over his face and he shook his head.

"I am in so much trouble. I should know better than to ask you for advice."

He typed back, "I don't know what to say to that."

Oh, no. The poor boy is doomed. I try giving my motherly advice but he just laughs and shakes his head.

She responds, "why not"

I tell him to write, "because I have testicles."

He's banging his head in his palms now. "Why can't I have a normal mother like everyone else?"

I type for him, "because I am male." I use the edited version, After all, this isn't my kid. She may not be used to such vulgarities.

He scrambles to the computer and quickly lets her know, "that was my mom."

I am having so much fun messing with my kid's life.

She lets him know "that is no excuse". Sorry guys, testicles won't get you out of trouble only in it.

He is still at a loss for words. I eagerly supply them. "Oh, good now you get to go shopping for a new one." The child has lost his mind because he actually takes my advice.

That doesn't get him anywhere, "NO! I HATE SHOPPING."

"Well, then wash it. They make stuff to get it out."

This goes on and on and on. No matter what he says she keeps getting madder and madder.

He just doesn't understand. She loves this purse. "It's lime green and chocolate milk stains."

"Getting mad won't help so what's the point."

At this point, my sides are killing me. I'm doubled over trying to cook dinner. He paces the room throwing his hands up in air. He bangs his forehead on the refrigerator. I keep handing him "shovels". He gets in deeper and deeper.

"If you're going to keep digging holes make sure it is big enough to be comfortable in because you're going to be there for a long time." I get glares at this tidbit of advice.

Every five seconds he asks, "When is dinner going to be ready." He is fishing for excuses to end the conversation.

"Not for a long time, I'm having way too much fun at your expense. I want to see you get out of this one."

Sometimes being a mom is so much fun.