Encouragement

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

~ Unknown

Overall, emotionally, I've done pretty well the last couple of days. Now, if I could just get rid of this cold.

One to go...

Improviser came over tonight. Waltzed into the kitchen and the next thing I knew he was cooking me dinner. The only one of my three boys that cooks. He made Chowhound a chocolate cherry cake with fudge icing before he left for bootcamp. It was made from scratch. No box, no mix. He shows love with food. I love this about him. I am going to miss him so much. These next two weeks are going to be special since it will be the first time since he was 16 months old that he didn't have to share me with his brothers (he's 22, do the math, it's been a looooooooong time). I am going to cherish every moment.

Daredevil is packed up and turning his cell phone off tonight. He starts his journey towards Iraq tomorrow. I told him to keep an eye out for his cousin who is packing up and leaving Iraq Thursday to come back to the states. Who knows, they may just cross paths somewhere while in transit. I sent out a care package today so he should get it upon his arrival. Please pray for his safety in his travels and for the next seven months. Please pray for all of our troops.

Chowhound is in day 2 of bootcamp. He is sleeping in hallways, getting yelled at, and having his head scrapped bald. He is going to look like this again.


This picture cracks me up. He insisted that I shave his head. I cried. He was happy as a clam. I doubt that he is smiling now. Only 13 weeks to go.

Day 2-

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are unemployed. (Erma Bombeck)


I'm not unemployed. Now, I'm a consultant. I should start making the big money now. Oh yeah, parenting pays in hugs and I love yous. I'll take that.

Day 1 of being on my own

"And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?" (Cast Away)

This is how I feel today. I heard this quote before I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm a big girl. I can do this. I realize I have been way too dependent on my children. It's time for me to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

As a kid and teenager, I always felt lost. There was this empty space inside of me that longed for something. I tried to fill it with activities and friends and then booze and other unhealthy stuff. Nothing filled that void I felt. I graduated from high school at 17 and had no direction, no goals, no aim. I took the path that I was told I should. I got a job, signed up for a full schedule at the Jr. college and started my life. I still didn't have a purpose. For the next few years, I bounced in and out of school, jobs, and relationships. I grew moody, angry, and volatile. The emptiness grew. I still felt lost and lonely. I still had no purpose. Then, at 20, I got pregnant. That was the pivotal point in my life. The stability I needed. And even though I still have been in and out of relationships throughout my life, I have always had my kids. For the past 22 years I have had a reason to get up in the morning. I had a purpose for working. After I had my children, the empty space disappeared.

Now I have to find a new purpose.
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8:20 PM

Just got back from the grocery store. I ambled up and down the grocery aisles feeling sorry for myself. I kept passing by the things that I would normally buy for the boys, snacks and stuff, that otherwise I won't buy for myself. I strained to think of what to buy and how to cook for one. I've never had to do that. Ever. I went from cooking for my mom and I to cooking for a husband and then children. This will be a new concept and experience. This morning I threw out all the junk food in the house. I'm eliminating temptation and concentrating on getting back in shape. I've never been this out of shape in my life. Anyways, back to shopping. It was depressing. I struggled and then it hit me. My children didn't die, they moved away from home. I can still do things for them. I have lots to do right now. Daredevil will need care packages and cards and letters. His birthday is the 21st and it is bad enough that he has to spend it in Iraq or where ever he will be at that time but to not get anything from mom would be heart breaking. I can't do that to my son. The first care package for Daredevil is packed and ready to send out tomorrow. It should arrive at his post in Iraq about the same time he does. Birthday cards are signed and sealed and will be going out as well.

The scripted call from Parris Island just came in a few minutes ago. Chowhound will have an address sent to me in a few days. I have three months of letter writing to him. And then in a couple of weeks, I will be writing to Improviser.

Oh my. Suddenly, I feel really busy. It feels good.

"When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States." (Erma Bombeck)
**Shhhhh. Don't send that quote to Sarah Palin.

Update

Okay, you can stop lashing me with wet noddles. Sorry I didn't post an update. Yes, my Sweetie made it out of Turks and Caicos before Hurricane Ike pounded the little islands. We spent a couple of days together, including his birthday on Monday, and then he flew to south Florida Tuesday. He showed up back here on Wednesday with a 24ft UHaul and then left for Turks and Caicos on Saturday. I'm not sure when he will return. I figure I won't see him again until Christmas. I hope it'll be sooner but I'm not counting on it. We had a great time while he was here.

So, I said goodbye to Daredevil on the 2nd. He went back to California. Now he leaves this week headed to Iraq.

My Sweetie left yesterday.

Chowhound left a few hours ago. Tomorrow he will step in the yellow footsteps at Parris Island.

Improviser leaves in 15 days.

Too many goodbyes this month. I'm hanging in there.

I don't like Ike

My Sweetie is presently in the Turks and Caicos Islands. I'm hoping and praying his 10:45am flight is not canceled. The last chance to get out of Dodge before Ike comes storming through. I'll be on pins and needles until I know he is in the states, checked through Miami and on his way here.

Come Hell and High Water

Daredevil leaves today. I won't see him again until he returns from Iraq. (this is the Hell part)
Chowhound leaves in 12 days.
Improviser in 29.
(but who's counting)





and now the high water part. Hurricane Hannah is hanging over my Sweetie. He is in Provo in the Turks and Caicos Islands. Last night he was in the eye. The news reports there were telling them the storm was over. This morning that are getting hammered. It's only a Cat I but when you are on a little island this is still bad. And Ike is on Hannah's heels.

This month just keeps getting better. (and it's only day 2. Crap.)

Time Marches On

September is here already. I want to skip this month almost as much as I want to skip November and December. I vote that we jump to October now and then skip over to say April. I hate winter. I like October because I love the weather then and it's my birth month. I can handle October. In November I start getting psycho. First, there is way too much food and secondly it's the lead in for the Chaos of Christmas. Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas. I just can't afford it. I try to keep things simple. But, I am a procrastinator. I wait until the last minute to get prepared. On Christmas Eve you can find me starting my shopping. I've been working on that but it is usually finances that make me procrastinate. I always dread December.

But, this year September is the demon month. Daredevil leaves this tomorrow*. He'll be in California for a couple of weeks and then he will be of to Camp Korean Village, Iraq. Even though I haven't seen him a lot in the last two weeks he's been here, it has been wonderful having him home. I love having my boys together. I even smile now when they pick and fight with each other because I know I won't hear that any more. In two weeks, Chowhound will report to Parris Island and two weeks after that Improviser will head to Lackland Air Force Base. All my "babies" will be gone.

Today, we are going bowling. That ought to be a blast as I suck at bowling. The last time I went it was with two friends of mine. Three middle-aged women using the bumpers is quite entertaining. But, it's not about the scores. It is time spent together. I am taking a camera. I wish I had video as I can never do justice to the insane hysteria that is present anytime all my boys are together.

Case in point. The other night, I hauled them out for family pictures. First, all three boys pounced on the roller coaster bead mazes in the lobby like they were dessert. Then, Daredevil and Chowhound immediately start a reinactment of this video. Chowhound hollars at Daredevil, "Put on a tie."


It went downhill from there. Daredevil grabs a rose and poses with it. They are all poking me and pushing each other. They made faces. A two year old would have been better behaved. The photographer was great. She has three young boys herself and she immediately just went with the flow and started harassing them.

But, none of this bothered me. They were just laughing and goofing off. They know how to behave when it's important. Right now, it was important to laugh. Although, there was a thin line when Daredevil dared Chowhound to jump up and headbutt the ceiling joist. Chowhound accomplished the feat and proudly wore the red mark on his head. I did a lot of blinking and shaking of my head.

All of this was before dinner. Dinner was even more hysterical. Ever since the kids were big enough to play card games, I have carried a deck in my purse for entertainment purposes. I found that it alleviated a lot of stress if they had something to do while we were waiting for our food. I get fussed at if I don't have them for some reason. Chowhound made sure I had the cards before we left the house. We used to play rummy, war, and speed when there were only two of us. But lately, we have started playing Bu!!sh*t. Now, if there are people, especially little kids, they have to say "BS". It is always a lot of fun especially when we are all together.

UPDATE: This post is incomplete. Daredevil leaves today. I got distracted. I'll post Part II sometime. My ADD kicked in.

Working (Wo)Man's Holiday

Happy Labor Day!


...a day to honor those "who from rude nature have delved and carved all the grandeur we behold."