Personal Crap

I sit here and try to force the thoughts from my head down through my fingers. I type. Read. Delete. Repeat. As the words travel from my brain they just seem to be drowned out by emotions. They push on the back of my eyes trying to escape. Everything I think and feel evaporates before it becomes type. The words on the paper do not reflect the emotions I feel.
I prowl through other peoples thoughts. Reading their trials and tribulations, the pain and heartache. The joy and exuberance. I don't seem to be able to convey mine for the most part.
I write about events. I don't write how I feel. It's overwhelming. But, I guess life is that way too. Sometimes, you just have to push and push and push even when you don't feel like it. When you're scared you have to force courage and smile.
As I read back over what I have written, I can tell when my wall comes up. I start substituting YOU when it is I.
I am scared. I am alone. This is the first time I have felt this way in a really, really long time. My life right now is set up the way I choose it. And I have no regrets. This is the time in my life where my boys and myself come first. I have always lived for whatever relationship I was in. The world revolved around my "man". Everything to make sure no eggshells were cracked, no feathers were ruffled. A picture perfect world that always seemed to crumble around me.
I have a man in my life right now. Someone who has given me an opportunity to put myself and my kids first. It isn't difficult to love him. He makes it so easy. So right.
So, why do I say I am alone and scared. He is 600 miles and an ocean away. So, although he is a tremendous part of my life, he isn't in my life on a daily basis. Also, my family is over 300 miles away. Phone calls, Internet, the miraculous technology of our world helps me stay close.
But, the other week, it really hit me on how alone I am. I have been having some physical issues with my health. I detest going to the doctors so I know I am in some serious pain and concern when I go. Well, I was out shopping getting ready to head south to see my sweetie, when I began hurting in my back and abdomen and my legs began going numb. I was alone speeding down the interstate in tears debating on going to the emergency room. I realized, that other than my boys, I had no one here locally to call.
I am not a very social person. I take my time to get to know a person. Most people don't take the time to get to know me. Those that do are friends for life. I am lucky in that I have quite a few close and personal friends. I don't have many acquaintances. Unfortunately, my friends are all a long distance call away. As is my Sweetie.
Like I said most of the time I'm ok with it. This is the life I have made and I have chosen. I have some personal goals that I want to accomplish and this is my time to do them.
Reality just sank in that night and hit me like a ton of bricks. I drove and cussed at myself. Yelling and screaming my fears and frustrations away.
The doctor is running test. They can find nothing wrong. I know this is not in my head. I know what will happen. I will get tired of normal test results. I will feel like I'm wasting my time. I will quit going to the doctors. I will feel better for a while. I will breathe. Then it will start all over again.