The village's turn

Dear Neighbor:

Do you know what your children were doing tonight? No? Gee, could it be because they were locked out of the house so as not to wake up Daddy?

I truly understand about night shift and needing to sleep but in this day and time with all the perverts around is it truly wise to make your five year old daughter and seven year old son stay outside unsupervised? Don't you watch the news or read the paper? A six year old boy was just abducted, molested and murdered by a neighbor. It made national headlines. This was in a town within 50 miles of here. Have you checked the Internet? There are five sex offenders living within one mile of your house. Fortunately, for you I am not one of them.

Also, fortunately I have patience with children as I have raised three boys.

Yes, I can tell you told your children to stay in the yard but guess what---they didn't. Are you shocked?

Not as shocked as you're going to be when they come home fifteen minutes before bedtime all wired off of the two cokes and two sprites each I let them have. I promise you I was a thoughtful and considerate neighbor. I made them go ask if it was okay first. Yes, your son walked toward your house just out of my sight and then came back proclaiming that you said yes. Alrighty then, I did my part. So help yourself to the sodas kids. They've been sitting in my garage for a month. My boys don't drink them very often.

I had fun gardening with your kids. They both can handle a hoe, a rake and a shovel. I do want you to know that I washed your daughter's hand thoroughly after I caught her playing in the weed and feed I was spreading in my yard. Yes, if they are going to come in my yard and ask to help, you betcha, I ain't gonna say no. I did, however, draw the line at swinging the axe. I think that is a lesson for family to teach. Blood makes me woozy. I'm not sure what they did with all your tools. All I know is they took them back toward your yard. Oh, and by the way, your hoe is bigger than mine. Your son made sure to point that out.

Good job on making your daughter clean her room. Did the toys really go in the trash or did "Daddy" just put them out of sight somewhere? You missed some Dad and she thinks that is funny. She still has her Bratzs dolls so no big loss on the other toys. Just thought I'd let you know.

Your son may have a future as a stunt man. He is very skilled on his bike. The way he jumps off and pulls it back before he runs out into the street in front of a car is awesome. You should have seen it. Really. Gifted.

He can also shimmy up the pole to my basketball goal. He's quick too. It only took him mere seconds after I told him to stay off to do it again. I wouldn't have minded so much except that little rope anchoring it in the ground has been baking in the sun for four years and the firewood added as extra weight is dried out. The firewood is there because the base doesn't hold water. This goal will fall. All you have to do is look at the egg shaped hoop and the dents in the concrete for proof. Although, if it had fallen today it most likely wouldn't have hit the ground just my son's car. No big deal. He has just worked his *ss off to make the payments and insurance.

Can I borrow your son the next time I have a garage sale? He's really quick about pulling crap out of my garage. I think I had him put the racket, the tennis ball, the basketball, the Frisbee, the kickball, the extra sodas, and the axe back.

Also, they think you both yell too much and the babysitter is mean. She yells at your five year old daughter because she won't close her eyes and take a nap. She tried to explain to the babysitter that you told her it was okay to keep her eyes open as long as she laid there quietly but the babysitter ain't buying it.

Again, thank you for letting me entertain your children for an hour tonight. I forgot how tiring young children can be. I hope you have a great evening and the caffeine and sugar don't keep the children up too long.

I'm going to go hug my teenagers now and hand them each a box of condoms.