Saturday, September 30, 2006

Empty Nest coming too fast

It is quiet this morning. The house is empty except for the dog and me. Daredevil and Chowhound had a lock-in after the football game last night and then band practice until 8 tonight. I see a quiet evening too. They will hit the rack as soon as they get home.

It's quiet mornings like this that make me reflect. I think about how quickly the years are flying by. I know that soon I won't be laughing and "fussing" about the boys wrestling in the house. They won't be leaving their dirty clothes lying in the bathroom floor. Their rooms will stay clean. Their beds will be untouched. I know this day will be here before I know it.

improviser has already left. He has officially moved out. He took his bed. He didn't go far. He moved in with his Dad. He's 20. I guess I can handle that now. He has wanted to live with his Dad since we split up almost 15 years ago. I remember him talking to Daredevil. He told him he wanted to live with Dad and Daredevil replied that he wanted to stay with Mom. They were 4 and 6. They didn't realize they didn't have the choice. But, they discussed it anyway. When Daredevil said he wanted to live with me, Improviser goes, "But, then I won't have anyone to fight with. (Chowhound's) too little."

I joke around about being able to have a life when they move out. Finally, being able to figure out what I want to be when they/I grow up. But, the truth is, I'm scared. For over 20 years they have been my life. When I was tired and depressed and didn't think life was worth it, a pair of little arms would hug me and I knew I could do another tomorrow. I have needed my children as much if not more than they have needed me. They have been my friends as well as my children. I loved snuggling up at night reading books. Wrestling in the living room. Playing in the park in the rain. Jumping over waves at the beach. And now they have their own things to do and I have to find my interests. I believe that is one of the reasons I don't do everything with them now. I have to wean myself and get my own life.